The Cave


Without a trace of light, the cave is musty and terrifying. I am, as always, alone in my fear. Demons, real and perceived, enter through unseen portals and steal pieces of my mind, on their journey to my soul.


I am told that I have created this place, that it is my refuge from reality. I do not remember building these walls, yet they stand firm, barring the cool breeze, the warmth of the sun, the light of the moon. There is water here, but it is stagnant from years of stillness. It is polluted from the excrement of the rodents, the insects, the creatures of this cave. I yearn to escape to the purity of the native waters that are but a vision away, yet miles from my reach.

I have turned a wrong corner somewhere and I am cold, lonely and afraid. My silent scream remains unheard. I sit on naked earth, meditating on the helplessness of this situation, and my tears pour forth in a fury of emotion and grief.

The fire has long transformed into ashes. The path which was once so clear and paved with white light is blurred, obscured by rage and confusion. What once was a rainbow has turned to streaked shades of grey, webbed and muted. I know not which way to travel, crossroads leading me to a place of overwhelming chaos. In my blinding solitude, I have seen a Lady of great power, a crone of untold wisdom with a golden light eminating from a lantern. So close, yet so distant, I cannot connect.  


Space and time have merged in a continuim of inbalance. As the wheel turns, I seem to be removed from the orbit, a few spokes behind, lost in space. It seems years have passed, as I wallow in my misery, never thinking to ask for guidance, never looking inside for answers. I want only to strike back, and in my vengeance, I cause harm to my worst enemy, myself.

I am told there is a tunnel, but I am trapped within my wrath. Where once there was hope, spirit, a desire for knowledge and perfect trust, now there is a void, nothingness, bleak and all- encompassing.

It took me years to find this place where I have come, only to feel more lost than ever, more devestated in my apathy, more disconnected from truth in this pit of despair, more angry at those who have entered my life and left my expectations unfulfilled.

There are no angels, no teachers, no friends to sustain me. I know nothing of power animals, and thus evade those guides that could lead me. I reach out, feeling abandoned, never thinking to reach within. My dreams and my faith have faded into oblivia. My very existence has ceased to be, yet my heart still beats, and my soul remains intact. To pass this test, I must survive.

Obscurred by total darkness, I find that all the constants in my life, except for one, have abandoned me, or have been removed, taken from me, brutally ripped out of my life.

It is this remaining one, a canine familiar of sixteen revolutions of the wheel, that keeps me from crossing the barrier into psychosis. He does not join me in the cave, but comes to me in my mind, allowing me to see with a sight previously unknown, sharing with me lessons of tremendous magnitude. He is sent by the God and the Goddess, to reveal to me a mystery. He tells me to find the way out, I must first discover a way in. It was here that I began my journey home, to me...

   Journey to Part II     The Forest